I know what you all might be thinking. (last post)
I think we should cut the drama.
Well yesterday I analyzed that what would happen if i stop writing and found that I was running from my responsibility that is to help you guys.
Here i am. Being criticised again for my cheap publicity stunt. (:P)
So lets start.
Without wasting time in useless justifications.
Today would be a long one. (not in length but understanding)
Today i will give you access to all pages of my life.
Yup. Disclosing my whole private life for public welfare (what a sacrifice :P)
Please. Don’t judge. Just learn. So that you don’t have to experience that agony or pain.
If you follow or even think about my experiences.
I believe you will save yourself from alot of pain(both physical and mental)
Well there is a saying.
The person who learns from other’s experiences is great.
The person who learns from his experiences is good.
And the person who doesn’t learn is the worst.
So. It’s upto you. What you want to be.
Here i will divide my life into different areas.
Knowledge and Thinking process.
Career. (passion or your work)
So first of all.
Hey. I won’t make it like some history book.
It will be interesting. I hope :P.
So. I will begin after my experience which I shared in The first lesson. It’s a great post but though I have written so many posts so usually that post end up in low popularity as it was the first one.
And I know some guys and girls.
They are very clever. They just like the posts and don’t read it. (i know why they do so :P)
Delhi College of engineering. (My college)
So here i am in second year of college.
Got a hostel. (boy’s :P)
Alloted a room with a senior. (Wow. Now what will i talk with him)
Added ingredient he was an introvert. (boredom building up)
My hostel had mess. The only thing which comforted me was the proximity of my room from the kingdom of food(mess)
Usually my friends used to hate that food.
But i think i was a different piece and this quality got noticed even by the mess wale bhaiya. (i will tell you why :P)
So. Initially. The hostel was great. Bed. No drama. Just sleep. Study. Eat and sleep.
I thought this would be perfect.
I thought I will study alot. (i told you I’m a different piece :P)
Now. Days passed.
I used to eat my Lunch, breakfast and dinner all alone.
Just because all classmates were in different hostels and already had groups.
Moreover I didn’t try to get into their group as they were into lot of unhealthy addictions (smoke and that green stuff)
I was very health concious so I understood the implications.
My tryst with mess facility. (this is it :P)
In the morning something which made me happy was Mess food.
I used to eat 3 bhature chole, 5 pieces of pav bhaji and 3-4 paranthas (these are on separate days :P)
So. Whenever they gave me food they always gave me a gloomy face because they knew that they are dealing with the wrong guy.
The guy who can change there profits into loss. (As mess food was unlimited)
One fine day. The mess incharge told me on face “Bhaiya Aur nhi hae”.
I was like. Okay. Then i thought that I need to eat less. (not because they said so, because morning lectures would become a nap)
Now. The serious part.
Everything was going fine.
One fine day.
A thought entered into my mind ” What if you fail”
I said what.
The mind again said.
“What if you fail”.
I was like. Terrified.
It’s because that would become an end to me.
From very beginning i was very ambitious.
Like to excel in everything and be the best in world was something I aspired for.
So. You can understand that how i would have felt.
Days started to feel like weeks.
I was terrified. Emotions were making me anxious.
I started to vomit blood (not much) due to burning of my oesophagus due to acid of stomach coming upwards.(Anxiety)
Moreover. Loneliness added fuel as there was no one to talk to.
I remember i used to go out of my room and cry.
Just went somewhere and used to cry until i couldn’t feel anything and then come back and sleep.
This happened for months.
It’s just. I gained some ground.
Now exams came.
I was fearful. I couldn’t study just because of such emotions and over reactive mind.
So i went home.
I told my parents that I was ill (how could I tell them that I was mentally ill. So I lied)
I remember there was one exam which I feared because I got very low marks 2/20.
And. There were rumours that no one is able to clear back (failed) exams in that paper
So. I was like.
What will happen to my future if i fail?
I won’t be any good.
I won’t be respected.
Society will spit on me
I will be a nobody.
This was my condition.
With this condition i gave my exams.
The thoughts and feelings disturbed me so much that i went to give exams without any sleep in night because I couldn’t sleep.
(thanks to my father that he used to drop me at the metro station, as my condition wasn’t good )
Results came. I passed. 63%. Passed in all subjects and that dreaded subject too.
So. I was okay. Now fears started to subsidise.
Another part of my life. (Interesting one)
So at that time. I used to think about Marriage and love and all. I don’t know why it entered my mind.
But. If it entered. My mind has a very great job to do. Yes to investigate.
I was not comfortable with the idea of sex and marriage which society taught.
I was from the very beginning.
Knew one truth. That my only girlfriend would be my wife.
That’s why I have never been in relationships
It’s just. I never met any great girl.
With investigation and some book reading.
I arrived that marriage and sex are very pious things they aren’t to be degraded mere as some deal or pleasure.
I knew that sexual energy is the only energy which can bring life.
I dont think anything else can do that.
So i was.
Now i knew that if I would ever indulge in sex it would be only for unconditional love to that girl( as its deepest love) and ofcourse for proceration.
Not for pleasure.
So. I believed in it
Now. At that time.
I don’t know why.
I was obsessed with the idea that my wife should be patriotic and great.
So. I don’t know.
But you will certainly see its outcome.
As I was involved in an NGO.
So i used to teach orphan kids somewhere during my winter vacations.
There I met a girl.
I was like.
We both ended up in same team.
Now. We both taught the kids.
Our companionship was great. She had great ideas.
So. My mind said.
She’s the one.
And I believed it.
But as days passed and when talked i got to know she also likes me.
But as we talked.
There was a shift in her ways.
Like. She wasn’t the person that I believed.
Means when I acquired knowledge that she isn’t the right person.
Then i got detached from her.
Later. I thought that I’m doing wrong by talking to her. I might hurt her feelings.
One day she said.
I love you.
I was very afraid.
Because I didn’t. I told her not to indulge in such things. Then she got hurt.
And she didn’t talked.
I was very guilty. I was terrified.
From the very beginning. I used to feel terrible even if i killed an ant by mistake.
So you can understand How i would have felt.
So after days. I called her. She said she was okay.
I was also. But, something bad happened due to all this guilt and thoughts i got attached to her unintentionally.
Moreover because of loneliness. I got more attached. I started to think of her day and day out.
That ambitious child became a prisoner.
There was knowledge that she’s isn’t the right person and moreover there were feelings and emotions.
So my feelings overpowered my knowledge.
Now. I started to find my happiness in her.
And did all stupid things.
But as my knowledge increased and when i started to feel pain of such attachment.
I was relieved. I started to find my happiness in something else.
I didn’t leave the friendship side.
You know guys these days. When someone rejects our proposal or we reject there’s we think we are superior.
That should not be the mode of rejection.
So i never rejected her.
But. I became her friend. She helped me alot of times.
But I still know.
That we can be friends only.
Just because I know her better than she know herself.
It’s just we have different perspective towards life. (nothing else)
Now. The most important segment.
This is something I never shared with you all.
It will certainly help you all.
In determining what career you really need to pursue.
Well my both parents are in Government service.
And my surrounding family members are also in Government service mainly Navy, airforce and army.
It was like whenever i used visit my relatives.. I always found that they were in defence forces.
So defence mess, parties they all were common.
Moreover I looked at them with great respect.
So i decided that I will join the defence forces.
I cleared my written exam. (NDA)
Then i thought i was in.
Means i thought i was the only one.
I daydramed myself in uniform.
I wore that army hat, wore that navy beret and behaved like an officer.
But. In all this I think my ego and dreams overshadowed the main purpose of the job that’s to save the country from foreign aggression.
So i went for the interview.
And I was eliminated in the first round.
Just because my ego to clear exam led me to shortcut to success.
So as I was also coached wrongly by the coaching institute.
So i believed in whatever they told me.
I thought they were saying the right thing and this might get me selected.
So i wrote what they said instead of the person who I was in psychological testing so the result.
Everyone was surprised.
That how come a boy from a family whose every male member was in defence forces couldn’t get selected.
I felt humiliated.
So I took up engineering another societal pressure. Well army was for my ego but engineering was for my family.
There in enginnering colleges i found people running after packages and private jobs.
I was the one. Who looked at their face and said i don’t need one.
Now. My love for truth and country started to rise.
And it was purely unconditional.
It was purely based on my views.
Whenever i thought that I could bring smile on people’s face. I was happy.
Whenever I saw movies (mostly English 😛 and some Bollywood movies which were praiseworthy) where superheroes saved a girl or saved people. I knew this is what I want to be.
When I found myself.
I knew that its unconditional love for some cause or work which in actual is your calling.
So i answered that call.
I know that call is great.
I know that that’s something which is permanent.
I know this is who I am.
With this i gained an insight. Which is the only insight which you need to remember and learn from my experiences.
You see all those things from which I gained because of pain were.
What they were?
Girl. Success in career. Ego.
Are these things permanent?
No. What is?
See I’m not saying you stop achieving anything or become a monk.
What i want to convey is that don’t think of temporary things.
The things I have written are temporary. Desire to satisfy your ego. Desire to have sex. Desire to earn money. Desire to achieve something. Desire to own something.
Well these desires need to be dropped.
Dont suppress them.
They are necessary. Don’t make them your enemy.
But channel them to a higher purpose which you believe in.
If you believe in unconditional love, selflessness, purity, service to the country and truth.
Channel your desire for sex to love for country by bringing great children or by loving your wife for the person she is.
Then channel your physical health to save people, so that no one can use physical force for injustice and cruelty.
Channel your desire to succeed for country and other’s benefit.
You will never be sad if you do this.
Moreover. Believe in these. Think of these make them a force so strong that no one resist. (Read the image in my blog its encouraging)
It’s because these things are permanent. These will stay ever and ever.
Even when you die.
No one will say he was IAS, Minister or intellectual.
But they will certainly say.
That he was a good human being and improved our lives.
And this is all i want in life from now.